In need of a LARGE bookshelf for all the zillions of books I got running around in my room!

Strange as it may seem, I still hope for the best, even though the best, like an interesting piece of mail,
so rarely arrives, and even when it does it can be lost so easily.



If everything did go according to plan I could have been in London RIGHT NOW.


New year is about to come.. and my new year's resolutions? ; Forgive myself for all the things I didn't have the courage to do (:

perfect; so far (:

Yesterday was awesomeeeeee!
I don't think I can remember a time when I had this much fun. Pity no photos were taken though.

Overall I'm happy, confused and tired.
But I don't regret anything that happened at all.


And these are the people I can truly call my Friends :)

"What do you like to do when you're down?"
"Read. A lot. To the point that I'm so tired from staying up all night reading that I can't think of why I was down to begin with."

I wish I had the guts to just leave everything behind and go and live in a foreign country.

It's funny how the days are passing by so fast..
Even though I am not going through the BEST time of my life at the moment, I still don't want these days and nights to end; Because I know the real challenge, frustration and stress will eventually begin to really form in April - May.

Anyhow, I shall now go finish an essay I reluctantly started a while back.
Salut.

It is all nice and kind of respectfull when you show you're sorry for the other person's loss you know? but plsssss stop talking over it like it's some kind of tv show for God's sakes!
LEAVE HER THE FUCK ALONE.

save money? how can i!!!

27th nov - Christophe's birthday; maji's rest is quite expensive. :C
28th nov - alcohol and extra 10 euros.
4th dec - malta, new moon. pv maybe?
10th dec - marthese's birthday. must buy a good present and there's offc the food and film..
18th dec - malta with mum. buys clothes and stuff for xmas.
and what about the christmas eve/day, new year eve/day?

Im going insane.

A part of me wants to stay but the other part wants to leave.
and I so need to perfect my english.
godammit!!!!!!!
:C

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope, which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.
- dr. seuss

I have come to the conclusion that I am quite difficult to be understood.
And I am fed up of pretending...

Everything tires me out today.
Being me tires me out today.
constant thoughts of things to do, goals, plans, ideas, studies, tidy, money, stress all tire me out.
so i got some wintery coloured paper and fashioned a festive card for myself.
inside it was a routine for from now till christmas and the lost days between then and new year.
a routine that will let me progress without planning, work without stressing.
i thanked myself for such a kind gesture and intend on starting the set out routine tomoro.
it will be my break from thinking.
purely moving and getting on with it and letting my mind rest but not wasting a single day more.
i wont go into detail, its far too tiring.

I cannot change this society.
It is how it is.
People are never going to change.
I just wish I went to some school in Malta though instead of here.
just fed up with all you people around me.
whenever I think I have a good friend by my side, or at least a good acquaintance, I find out that you are actually hating me. why?

Two out of IdontknowhowmanyfriendsIgot are the truest.
Just two.
Unbelievable.

GODAMMIT.
two people cast out from my life in a couple of days.
It's not that I am such a hateful, evil person.
Its just that I literally cant stand you guys anymore. how can you be such decietful double faced assholes?
you fucking lie to my FACE!
I will admit im hurt but im also angry and It's all my fault.
because I give you chances, over and over.
ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGH.
nirleh alla jaqbadkom id diarrhea!

I just need to control my wants and needs.. Have to learn to control this obsession of always wanting more and more.
I can't have everything.
And I'm way broke.

out of sheer boredom.

You speak an infinite amount of nothing. and I shall not give any more chances to those who don't deserve any.

____________________________________________________________________

WANTSSS ;









and a great book with a mug of coffee in bed.

it is winter now and the time to disappear inside where it is warm and huddle at desks over textbooks and steaming mugs and spend my time off cuddled up in bed with my reading books, getting lost in the yorkshire moors with the bronte sisters or walking bootclad feet along the thames river, hand in gloved hand with a boy that loves me for my mind and my character, not for who i wish i was.

Twas BORING yesterday.
I am beginning to hate weekends, except that I love seeing him after five long days without him by my side :C
It's so unfair.
Next saturday im off to Malta, fooo sure.
Fuck Gozo, and the lame Gozitans! PFT.

Pumpkins; gone.

One of my ginny pigs died this afternoon.
I sat there on the floor hopelessly watching it get closer to it's inevitable end.
.. breathing heavily and it's eyes glazed..

I could not find the exact words to stop my little sister from crying.
and yes, I did cry as well.

Not just because I felt so attached to Pumkins but because life is fragile and the world we live in utterly corrupted.

I should be more careful with my words the next time I lash out at someone.

Watch and love ;

so no more of this silliness, this trying to work hard to change but not doing it coz it makes you sad. nope.
a lot of studying, beauty treatments, a little dancing, reading and cooking, and having 3 low calorie but high in nutritional value meals a day.
life life life.

Autumn :)

It's been two full days since I last logged on a computer.
wow..
Been so busy lately..
school, private lessons, appointments, and neverending essays...
But im okay today. :)
I feel fresh and excited for the upcoming days..
and I absolutely adore this weather. It makes you think of happier times, brings back a flood of good memories :) and I have this motivation to study and do some essays.. I shall go now.

I need to love myself before I can ever love you...

Things are just not what they seem.
I feel lost.

I miss my old ways..

Must see movies :

Time travellers wife.
Lost in Austen.
The edge of love.
New moon.


Must read books :

Time travellers wife.
Lesley Pearse - Ellie.

Pumpkins and Pancakes.

Just found out that Im allergic to my ginny pigs :C

Searching for some new music to put in my mp3 but to no avail.
What I have is old music. like..
The piano - Michael Nyman.
Yes, I still listen to it over and over and over again.

When I grow up...

Loving this housestyle.

Love her!

"This life is what you make it. No matter what, you’re going to mess up sometimes, it’s a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you’re going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends – they’ll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything – they’re your true best friends. Don’t let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they’ll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them – actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can’t give up because if you give up, you’ll never find your soul mate. You’ll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn’t mean you’re gunna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about."
-Marilyn Monroe

I've been detoxifying, getting rid of negativity is a constant struggle for me with so much of it around threatening to choke me.

too much.

I have never been this afraid in my life.
I allready feel like a failure even though I haven't started yet.
These thoughts are killing me bit by bit, literally!
I want reassurance.
and I need to learn how to trust :c

someone is screaming outside my window, not a scared scream, or a help scream, to me it sounds like a scream of being happy. a scream of relief, a scream i long to have. a scream that seems so close. Screaming is so easy, we have the option to do so, with no restrictions, so why don't we?
something about that scream outside my window brings a flood of emotions, of memories, of life, of happy, and of devastation. despite that, i'd still love to be the one screaming outside the window, at any given time.

The need to break free from everything strengthens, and i want to so bad. not from my relationships, but from my own mind, just take a break for a second, for a scream or two. i miss things, a lot of feelings, and a lot of things.

Im not going to make it.
im not going to make it.
im nooot.
This is too hard :/

Second day at school..

and im allready fed up of it. this really sucks.

Sister..

She drives me insane but I love her :)

The day before..

Bought myself a cameraaa for me bday! :G
I'm thrilled!
cannot wait for tomorrow.. :))

Yesterday was like a gasp of needed air.

i'm happy.

"When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love." -Marcus Aurelius

Doing some Keats..

Tragedy is love of life.
tragedy not only accepts death but it also knows that it's death which is the thing which makes us overcome ourselves. If death does not exist, we won't appreciate anything in life.
though life is full of misery.. etc, these ingredients are necessarily because without them we would remain children all our life.


In some way or another Keats does fascinate me.

Needs.

Pumps. ( Black and also white.)
Brown boots.
Black leather boots.
black leather jacket.
more shirts for winter.
white bag, BIG one.
few cardigans.
new desk.
laptop.
new purple digital camera.

and where's the money? argh

things I know about me.

• I love listening to soundtracks. You know, songs without lyrics.
• I have a fear of cars, as in being in a car accident. Got this feeling that this is how I die, who knows aye?
• I love pianos, they give me this sensation I can't explain.
• I fiddle, babble and I hate it.
• I can probably go a day or two without eating anything at all.
• I have a very very fast metabolism. I eat and I eat and I stay skinny.
• I over analyse everything.
• I think way far into the future.
• and sometimes what I think comes true. literally.
• I had a vision once and it's probably going to haunt me for the rest of my life.
• I love my mother to death but my dad's a total different story.
  
• I vomit pretty easily. I vomit when I do exercise, cough, laugh or finds myself in a closed room or something. Im pretty sensitive.
• Im scared that Ill end up like my dad and that's something I seriously dont want to happen.
• right now I may call myself a shopaholic, I cant go in a shop and not buy something. maybe this is some kind of revenge for not going to London afterall.
  
• I keep my heart guarded, I dont trust anyone, not even myself sometimes and that's a problem.
• Thats why I keep blogs and online journals, I find myself comforted by the thought of speaking about my problems to people who don't know me rather than to those that do know me.
• I don't have patience and I do have mood swings which im trying to control.
• Im obsessed about History, mostly the victorian era and such.
• and I don't like blonde, too funny, sensitive, shy and bossy men.
  
• oh and I love love loveee reading books :)
  

Shopping do wonders.

Just bought myself a pair of jeans and a shirt. Now I feel happy.
You know what I think my main problem is here? I don't really know what I want and Im still trying to figure that out.
Im turning 19 next saturday for god's sake, I need to grow up.

But I do feel rather guilty after spending a lil over 100 euros this morning but what the heck :)

life is not so great afterall

My life is in chaos right now.
Is it me whom's at wrong here? Why can't people get what I'm going through at the moment? how can you guys be so fucking selfish and self centred. Im fed up of hearing all about your tiny lil bitty problems when Im going through so much shit right now!
I swear Im going to do something I will certainly regret later on.
The fucking boss doesnt appreciate what I do and she expects me to do EVERYTHING. what exactly does she think I am? a fucking God????!!!
and dear friends, I know im not going out as much as id used to, but give me a fucking breeeaaaak! Im working my ass of and trying to save some fucking money and its not my fault if the customers don't leave before 1am! and its not my fault either if Im tired after a night at work!
you guys expect tooooo much from me and I swear I am going to explodeeee!
and dearest father im fed up of hearing your complaints, youre a 43 year old man, live up to your responsabilities like my mom does you fucking kid.

okay finished. now im feeling so much better.

Gossip Girl.

The best american drama series after OC. I love their outstanding way of living and their amazing fashion style. Furthermore, Ed westwick surprises us all by being this dashing rogue wearing those amazing, colourful and unique suits :G

Another?

Loving this tattoo. so either Sienna miller's or this one. hmm

So i've developed an obsession for Balmain.

Aren't these outfits just beautiful AND wearable. looking at catwalk outfits is fun but often it's just too flouncy, nakey or bizarre for mere mortals to wear. but these three outfits from the balmain aw 09-10 are so deliciously gorgeous....yeh so i intend to round of the shoulders but i'm definitely feeling the black cropped trousers, fitted leather jacket and loose white t.

Geek chic Glasses.

I find these Glasses quite trendy, wish they suited me.

This does match with my feelings.

Dearest friend,

I know our relationship has been difficult and we haven't really spoken in a long time, but it's recently become clear that we'll be seeing a lot of each other in the next few months. The issues we've faced in the past are going to resurface and we really, really need to work this out now before it's too late.

I'll admit I've said some terrible things about you in the past. I apologize. You think me unintelligent for not understanding you, even after years of trying. That's not true. You're difficult, you know? I know I've given up on you in the past and even broke your trust by cheating, but never again. I'm not going to give up on you this time. I'm determined to understand. I'm determined to keep trying.

That said, I hope things are easier this time around. I hope everything sinks in easier. I promise to keep trying despite how difficult you are. And you really are. Don't deny it and I'll try to keep my "hate" claims under wraps this semester.

Biology, I do want to be your friend. Really. Just help me understand you. Please.

Pissed.

Not going to London next January. oh well should buy those clothes I want then.

what a look!

Found this on another blog.

I love everything about this outfit!!

There are soo sooo many things I want to buy but I can't cos I have to save the money for London :( This is so darn hard.

Motorphobia?

Cars terrify me. Like literally.
I can't stand still while im inside a car.I panic and starts getting this weird sensation that I'm about to have a car accident. This is getting out of hand, I was never like this.

Oh my Goodness!

This would make such a good outfit! I.want.these.now!

Weddings.

Weddings are supposed to be a nice ceremony where you meet and converse with your family, but I hate weddings.
Im not close with none of my relatives except for one or two aunts and a few cousins whom are near my age.
To top it all off,Today I just found out that next march, my cousin is having a wedding and asked me to read for a half an hour or so at the ceremony.. oh, and next september I will be a bridesmaid as well for another cousin's wedding.
I hate being in the centre of attention aspecially where family is concerned!
Fuck. I can't get myself out of this mess.

Busy week.

Monday - Wake up early, go to Rabat and change my ID card to 18 +. later on book our flights for January before it's too late.
Tuesday- Wake up early and go to this place ( don't know where yet ) and update my passport.
Wednesday - Wake up early and go to arka respite centre. later, if it's sunny, spend some quality time at the beach with some friends.
Thursday - Wake up early and go to the History extra lesson.
Friday- same as thursday and then later on in the night go to pv, before school starts :)
Saturday - working my ass off.
Sunday - working my ass off.

Something different.

Two years ago I made a promise to myself;
NO MORE JACK COKE!
But unfortunatley I couldn't stick to it. There was only Jack available yesterday and I had to have a dose of alcohol. But it was a great night out, I needed it.

To do list.

Revise some History.
Go in Search for envirenment, marketing and english private lessons.
Save enough money for England.
Stop buying shitty stuff.
Watch Gossip Girl, season 2.
New cut, again.
Go see a doctor for these terrible period cramps im having every fucking month.
Spend a night out in paceville with some of my mates before summer ends.
Read/ watch The time traveller's wife.
Buy another book by Lesley pearse. ( from tips)
Buy some art for my room. ( from mother)
Buy a new cool purple digital camera. ( from mother)
Visit some agencies to check the cost for the flight and accomodation.

Horizon

as far as i go
as fast as i saunter

it's always the same distance away.
I want it so bad,
but it's so out of reach-
such an illusion.

such a tease.

this statement doesnt make it acceptable.not at all.

On Larry King Live, Chris Brown said about his relationship with Rihanna: "We're both young, nobody taught us how to love one another. No one taught us a book on how to control our emotions, our anger."

Excuse me? This quote just doesn't settle right with me. I guess it's because I've read a lot of stories where love is always displayed, or watched movies with happy love endings, or listened to a lot of songs that described love, or even observed my parents and figured how I would love. Becoming angry enough to beat the shit out of your significant other because you couldn't "handle" your emotions? Do you expect someone to be holding your hand while you "learn to love" someone? My God! If Chris Brown gets away with this comment, now all other partners who have committed domestic violence can just say they never learned to love and get their second chance.

looking forward for some things.

im excited for christmas and its not bcos it christmas time, fuck that. Im excited bcos I am going to London. I cant believe this, its been just a dream for so long and I cant believe two of my friend are seriously considering of coming with me :) Hopefully i will save enough money to spend for the sight seeing and stuff in London. yay for me.
Im also excited for my bday. For once, it will be on a saturday and fortunatley for me this year school starts after my birthday. :) my plans should work.
Bought 2 dresses and that's enough shopping for now. the next shopping spree will be in London. :G

London, I will see you soon :D

Flight

Thinking of going to England this christmas :)

Sienna Miller.

I want a tattoo similar to Sienna Miller's. I find these tiny 3 stars adorable.

I didnt fail but Im still a failure.

I feel like my thoughts are pounding into my skull, i feel like i have the pressure of the world on my shoulders. so many things to do, so many people to converse with, so many friends to worry about, so much school stuff to do and studying to be done. will I make it? Probably not, but it's still worth a try.

Eye candy

Ever wonder why?

• Why the sun lightens our hair but darkens our skin?
• why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• why do sheep stay fluffy when it rains?
• why don't you ever see the headline 'psychic wins lottery?
• are children who act in R rated movies allowed to see them?
• why are people so afraid of mice, yet we all love mickey mouse?
• isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words POLI meaning many, and TICS as in bloodsucking creatures?
• why is it when we talk to God we are praying but when he talks to us we are crazy?
• If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
• since americans throw rice at weddings, do asians throw hamburgers?

:)

I feel much better this morning :)
Yesterday was unexpectedly Good. Went to beachbar and met with some old friends and cousins whom I havent seen since December. Afterwards went to Grotta and was also unexpectedly Good :D On the whole, it was a great night out :)

Today.

I hate this Flu. It has consumed all my energy. I hate feeling vulnerable, you know. Im weak and helpless. I don't know if I should go out tonight. But it's been ages since I had a saturday night off and I need this.
Just started reading one of Stephen King's novels, The dead zone. it's actually really great. I never thought Id like Horror fiction more than romance. lmao.
But here I am, wasting a day reading instead of resting really, if I am to go out tonight.

Gave in.

Couple of days ago I went to Malta with two of my friends. I only brought with me 50 euros on purpose, so that I won't be able to spend my money on shit. But I found this purple studded shirt that I had to buy, it was over 65 euros, but It was too tempting. I used my cashlink card.
Now Im almost broke.
I must try to steer away from shops until summer ends.

Drools.

Olivier martinez.


Jared


Hayden.


marlon texiera.


Ben Hill.

Robert Pattinson as Edward cullen offc. He's much sexier in the vampire version.


and 2 Old time favs :)

Found this on xanga.

and this list is actually the reason why I won't quit smoking.

• I'm not having a kid any time soon (Really. I'm only 18).
• I don't eat as much (Hello, it's about keeping it skinny).
• It won't make a difference to me aging (actually I look young. I pass for 16).
• Sometimes, I'm just bored, so I smoke.
• It makes me less angrier, of a person (I'm not sure if it makes sense).
• If I quit now, I'll end up smoking WAAAY more in the future. So, I might as well not quit, unless I have a perfectly good reason.

The time travellers wife.

I'm totally psyched out to the maxiumum to see this movie and it's driving me nuts. I'm wondering if I should read the book or not. Do you think I should read the book, possibly spoiling the movie, or should I just wait until the movie comes out? hmm.

much love.

After ''helping'' at ARKA we were feeling quite exhausted, and sat on the roof and took some pics. best result :) love you babey!

weight problems.

I have lost five kilos. Oh God

List,

• Acceptance of thyself
• Stop acting dead
• read more and write more
• buy a black leather jacket
• become more independent
• do all the ECDL exams
• Start running
• Eat Healthier
• Don't hold back
• Exerience life, not just live it
• buy a camera
• Go to England
• start studying Biology
• do some revision of the first year
• be more friendly and social to other people, eventhough they surely don't deserve my sympathy.
• spend a few weeks away from dad.

I will never have perfect teeth;

will never have clear eye sight;

will never have clear skin;

& I will never have the perfect figure either.

But I must love and accept myself the way I am.

.. and I still got a long way to go.

Gold is in fashion. I bought a really cute necklace for just 10euros and some gold bangles as well. when Im shopping and I find something I really really like, the feeling is so strong, it's like meeting a really HOT guy for the first time. hahaha, just joking.
anyways, I cut my fringe. and I pretty much don't like it. It makes my face look so small. hurry up and grow!
Im trying to go out and have fun as much as possible cos this year in school I must try my best to pass. I must, I must! If I fail, I will seriously give up in school. im not going to repeat my 5th year there for sure.

so please God, help me make it.

I neved thought I'd find myself so much in love with this guy. He's everything I want and need. I love you Aron :)

Gemma ward. she's perfect.

I'm so terrified for next year in school. im scared that I won't make it to uni. Im not good enough, and if I do make it there, would I handle all those presentations? nope!
Life is too haaaaard.
Im not eating at all. I already lost a few kilos. Now I hate looking myself in the mirror.

Life is good at the moment :) & I'm also starting to see things how they really are.
I Just bought a glitter spirograph print dress which I wanted for so long. and now I ended up broke. There's also another dress that I need to buy, SOON! and then I will be happy. ( for a little while at least :P ) I haven't bought him a pesent yet. oh .em .gee. money is seriously a big BIG problem in my life atm.
I also need to save up some money for England!

wheels goes round and round...

This summer is wasting away.
Always doing the same stuff, in the end it gets tremendously boring.
Im fed up of everything atm.
I want to go to England and fuck uni.

Exam Joy

I passed from every exam :)
im so thrilled. yet I didnt do that well in History. :/ have to concentrate a bit more.

oh, the worst day ever!
okay maybe not the worst, but def not a good day for me!
im gonna miss seeing live trace and stacie!
ive waited for soo long! and now I cant go :(
fucking swine flue!

Life is terribly great. Awfully good. I am really appreciating the gray areas right now. The shades of light and dark. How complexity can equal beauty, how simplicity can be intolerable, how everything is just as it should or shouldn’t be.

I so want to visit England. I crave to go there, But I just can't manage to save up some money. well, I cant possibly save any money as I only work in the weekends, which means 2 times a week max!

feasts suck. people staring at you; no, looking you up and down. no good music and nowhere good/available to sit and relax.

annnnd I cant do anything in front of anyone as ppl will def go and tell my family every darn move I make.

no no no I hate feasts.

love for historyyy (:

I watched this film yesterday.
Valkyrie
I have become obsessed with history more than ever before.
It's so fascinating and thrilling to know that people have done and achieved all this.
and Keira knightley is also another amazing actress who has starred in many historical films.
waiting for the release of her next film ''the edge of love''


Today was a complete bore. I have done nothing except for reading this new book I bought yesterday and watching E and mtv.
oh and eating all day long.
I hope summer is not all a bore.
I want adventure.

This is not a normal house for us, human beings.
this is a doggie mansion just for Paris Hilton's doggies.
I'm actually out of words.

where does it all end?

This weekend was A- maaazing.
ministry of sound rocked, especially Timo Maas. he was Smashing. :)
He didn't come out that good :( oh well.

&.. some photos taken on saturday..




___________________________________________________________________
I'm hating this global warming and shit.
Too much wind is ruining my plans.
darn this weather.

Lots of bdays are coming up. need moneh!